That said, I have to ask: Are you genuinely being selective, or is it something else?Setting such high standards that you rule out every single guy before getting to know him can be commitment phobia in disguise.I remember sitting with a good friend as she recounted her love story. Many of us, guys and girls, have our own version of “the list,” and my friend had kept a long one for a long time.She threw it away when she started getting serious with the man who would one day be her husband. When I go on a first date, I tell myself the same thing: “People are worth knowing.” Some of the greatest men I’ve dated didn’t match the attributes on my original list.Did your parents have a traumatic divorce when you were 10, leaving you terrified of that kind of hurt?Was the breakup you initiated with your college boyfriend slow and painful?This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially if our parents had a loving, supportive relationship but it can lead to problems if we are continually drawn into relationships that are unhealthy or even abusive.
This is an unconscious process for the most part and many of us have had the uncomfortable experience of finding ourselves dating someone who is uncannily like one of our parents.
And even more importantly, I wouldn’t have had the crucial years I spent single, building my dream career.
Back when I was single, and before I got wise to my Mr Unavailable-loving, commitment-resistant ways, I regularly explained to prying friends, family, colleagues, the strange man at the bus stop and anyone who questioned my ‘selectiveness’ with men that, “I don’t think that there is anything wrong with me extending a little quality control to a prospective partner and if that makes me picky, then I’m picky.” On reflection and the wonders of vision provided by hindsight, I realise that I veered between being too picky and not picky enough – like many things that create issues with dating and relationships, I lacked a balanced middle ground.
You overvalue the wrong things and undervalue the important stuff.
In this day and age of hooking up with no strings attached, I think some pickiness is healthy.