WEST SENECA, NY—Expressing a mixture of alarm and heartache over the boy’s recently discovered disorder, the parents of diehard 8-year-old Buffalo Bills fan Cody Brenner told reporters Tuesday that their son had begun showing early signs of masochism.
WASHINGTON—Saying the deadly mishap had no impact whatsoever on mortality rates in any demographic, a new Pew Research Center study released Tuesday found that zero percent of people die from getting their fingers lodged in a bowling ball and being dragged down the lane.
By the next morning, millions of people around the globe have weighed in on the matter, asking mostly the same questions: Why would she? Hell, even the panty-waists at The New York Times will devote a column to the topic.
From where we’re standing, the answer is simple: She’s a grown-ass woman, we paid her a pretty penny and half the earth’s population wanted to see her naked.
I also chose to keep my silence out of respect for Lindsay." However, he changed his mind upon hearing about the new interview."Today, I would like to state that all accusations made, and about to be made, by Lindsay against me are not true," he said.
"I refuse to be dragged into the media storm created in the aftermath of our breakup.
I will not be making any more statements with regards to my former relationship with Lindsay, but I will use all possible legal means to protect my name and reputation."Lohan and Tarabosov started dating in 2015 and reportedly got engaged in April.
By nightfall, Lindsay Lohan Playboy is a trending topic on Google.
“She’d gone back to her villa and was running around naked saying she was drugged.” We hear “it was one thing after the next [with Lohan]” during the lavish four-day affair, where guests included Ellen von Unwerth, Sara Sampaio, Edward Spencer-Churchill and Micah Jesse.
“Lindsay was painting her nails during the ceremony and looking at her phone,” said a spy.
His story has made global headlines and received Trump’s support after the parents raised money for the baby to undergo experimental treatment, despite the European Court of Human Rights’s ruling that the hospital can take him off life support. She will also appear in the upcoming British comedy “Sick Note” opposite Rupert Grint.
During the 2016 election, Lohan gave a cryptic endorsement of Hillary Clinton, with the phrase “I couldn’t understand you more.” After the election results declared Trump the winner, she tweeted, “Retweet if you want a recount.” That tweet has since been deleted.